The Author

I have come to the realization that  a regular person going to an internet conference is equivalent to taking your forty-year-old-virgin cousin to a strip club, the regular person being the socially awkward cousin.

I usually think of myself as a relatively intelligent person, but standing next to Mr. I’m-a-coding-genius, I sometimes feel like a complete dork. The perfect example of this is the conversation we had about “forward slash” and “back slash.”  Previous to this I hadn’t realized that there was a a sound more painful to a programmers ears than fingernails across a blackboard.

Now I know – it’s the sound of someone saying “forward slash.”

Seems like a regular old phrase- no big deal right? Not! This guy loses it when that pops innocently out of my mouth. You see, there is a different world out there.  A dark scary place where some words when uttered around the denizens of cyber world have the same effect as dropping an F’bomb in the middle of a reverently quiet Sunday church service. Some people snicker other want to throw stones.

Mr. Code

The effect of my code-faux-pas was a lecture on “don’t say forward or back.”

It’s just a slash.

“Why?” I asked smiling.

“You just don’t.”  and  ”It’s just a slash.”  Where the only answers that I ever heard.

This poor guy was acting as if I had uttered the most vulgar thing ever, but wouldn’t or couldn’t tell me why it was offensive.  But even better than this was the “Don’t say that if we go out in public.” What?  Are the other programmers going to make fun of you for having uneducated friends?

This is what happens when you tease a group of people for many, many years- they develop their own social rules- and they don’t tell you what they are. Now we know what all the geeks were talking about at those Star Trek conventions when the doors where closed!

Next up: The “Google that shit before you ask me lecture”

When told to say something nice about ex-husband this was overheard:

He brings great joy every time he leaves the room!

Nana’s (who’s 7o herself) boyfriend is:

He’s so old he cumz dust.

Recently sister 2 made oatmeal raisin cookies:

Sister 1- This recipe only made twelve cookies?

Sister 2- Yep-must be something wrong with the recipe.

Sister 3- Is that cookie dough on your lip?

Sister 2- Mmm….no?

Sister 1- Oh, sister- did you just eat three dozen uncooked oatmeal raisin cookies?

Sister 2- They don’t have as many calories uncooked.

Now, I have something to admit. I realized a few months ago that I did not want to work at making money with the Menopause Mafia and I felt like I should have been. I was feeling pressure to do more with this site and being told things like “You shouldn’t say that or use that kind of language.” With reasons like “You’ll alienate people” or  “That’s not professional” and my favorite “You won’t make any money with that kind of writing.” Hearing these things made me question what I was doing with the Mafia site and asking myself should I be writing? After all, I write what we talk about at the kitchen table- wasn’t that the point?

And then I realized what the problem was…

I had been running with the wrong kind of people. Bloggers, social media junkies, tweeters, so called life coaches and strategists. These folks talk about monetizing their content and ask you constantly how you’re networking and building up readership. They all seemed to talk a good game when it comes to helping others, but if you looked behind the curtain, well that’s another story. It took all the fun out of a site I had been enjoying.

No matter how many times I joke that Oprah will buy this URL from the Mafia one day…

So I took some time and thought about why I started this site and it brought me back to this one single point. I started this because I thought it would be fun. Not to make money. I write to entertain, even if I sometimes write to make a point for a certain person. Not to change the world. When I write I am myself, even under an alias. If you talked to me in person, if you met me at the grocery store or the library I would sound just the same. I would say Fucktard, accuse certain people of being un-dateable, and share my family’s recipes. Even more often after a few drinks.

Now, I will continue on with my original purpose…

I’m going to write and I will post but without the pressure of building an empire, fixing the world or becoming a self-help bullshit artist. Please feel free to call me on the carpet if I stray, start to take this too seriously or think that this is more than a fun little hobby.

Unless someone offers me a shit load of money for the URL, in which case I will write more since I will be retired!

Instead of going through the usual litany of shallow crap like I have in the past, I will be working on a few deeper changes.

In 2010 I will resolve to:

pray first, not as a last resort.

remember that most people are acquaintances not friends.

remember to be true to myself no matter how hard others are on me.

remember that loving someone does not mean: I agree with you automatically, that I’m going to ignore it when you’re wrong, or that I’m not allowed to refuse your requests.

remember to take out the trash* on a regular basis.

Let me know what you’ll be working on this year, the decisions to quit smoking (been there) to the career changes and the diets.  No matter what your New Years Assessment brings to light, share your resolution with your fellow mafiosos, lets all make a resolution to support each other.

*Last year my New Years resolution was to get rid of the shmucks that were destructive,  trouble or were just plain old users. I deleted them from my contact list, address book, email list, and changed my number. This year I will remind myself regularly to keep the trash on the curb, and continue to enjoy the people in my life who make it all worthwhile. I highly recommend doing this- especially for my single readers- if you have developed a contact list lousy with losers.

I know you guys love these books, but I just can’t take it seriously. Bad writing, weak characters and an overall plot that makes me want to beat someone about the head and neck with a baseball bat. The baseball bat they used to play ball with in the first movie would be excellent. So, here’s a gross giggle for you, try not to be too upset that they are making light of Ed and his minion.

.

Here’s the New York Times review of New Moon titled

‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon’: Juiceless or Juicebomb?

And something to think about  Is Team Edward Enabling Domestic Violence?

You know it’s been a bad week when these are going through your head:

Alone it’s a weapon but with a mitt and ball it’s a baseball bat, so be smart when you premeditate!

Is is considered going postal if you don’t work at the post office or is there another term?

The three martini lunch is making a comeback…pass it on!

What the hell was I thinking, fuck this career thing, I want to be a housewife!

Am I the only one here breathing oxygen? Wait, I’m the only female, so YES I am.

Standing up in a meeting and saying ” You, sir are a Fucktard!” in my best southern accent is a good idea, but should I do that before or after lunch?

What are you thinking when it’s a bitch to walk into the office? Please feel free to share your comments below, we need the giggles!

The thing I want you, my younger friends, to think about is a man’s character. That is what we should be checking out.

Who is the person you are dating

is he a good man?
is he real?
truthful?
kind?
considerate?
smart?
funny?
WELL READ?(okay, that’s one of my priorities and therefore optional)

So here is what I think the problem is… you are choosing  men based on looks. There I said it, now quit being shallow! And please stop  thinking that pretty on the outside means pretty on the inside. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.

How about we try something new. Let watch what a prospective says and does and decide if you want to be with him based on that.  After all is said and done you will not want to end up with a man of low character—I know this from personal experience (having been married to a man we nicknamed satan for 15 years).

So when you see those warning signs along the road—

spends more getting ready in the AM then you do.

thinks CSI Miami is high art.

thinks priorities are about choosing which game to watch.

thinks morals are mushrooms.

—listen to your heart and run fucking screaming for the hills!

Stop telling me you are only going to date this or that. I can guaran-damn-tee you will not find Prince Charming with those priorities.

Alright now Grasshopper put on some hot FMP’s and go to the library, and remember that I love you!

Me: What’s up?

WK: at park- going to run

Me: I don’t run unless someone is chasing me

WK:  that’s colorful even 4 u

Me: I’m a deep well

WK: It that’s the motivation you need I’m more than willing to chase you through woods

Me: Always willing to take one 4 team

WK: Do I get I catch you?

Me: Someday but not today

WK: patience is a virtue

If I’m looking svelte and smiley all of the sudden…you know I’ve been jogging. And yes, I do play with names to protect guilty.

But all is not wine and roses on the manly side of the fence dear readers. Sit back and relax as I regale you with an examination of the lesser heard side of these tales…The Princes’ Tale.

How many fairy tales can you name in which the prince is the central character of the tale? When this question was posed to the charming Ms Brooks (no relation to the prince of the same name, but certainly charming none the less) she immediately named “The Frog Prince.” While this tale may feature the prince in the title, the prince gets what amounts to roughly equal billing with the little girl in the story. Upon reviewing the tale, we have the story of a little girl who makes a bargain with a frog to get his help retrieving a lost ball. Upon the completion of his task, the little girl welshes on the deal, ditching the poor little frog. The frog tracks the little girl down, apparently violating several anti-stalking laws in the process, and forces the girl to honor her promise with the help of her parents. Ultimately the little girl becomes so disgusted with the frog that she grabs him and “hurls him with all her might” against the wall, whereupon the now possibly brain-damaged little frog becomes a prince and she invites him into her bed. This fairy tale has enough disturbing messages to go around for both guys and gals.

The purpose of my posing this question was to point out the fact that the prince is often little more than a plot device to move the story of the princess along. There is, however, one fact that is almost certain in every tale featuring a prince. The prince is almost always seeking his true love, or his princess. How about that! It seems that for all these generations we men have been being taught the very same lessons as our fairer counterparts! As the fair maiden is seemingly made complete by finding her prince, so too has the prince finally completed his quest by finding his fair maiden. More important is the way in which the prince is called upon to prove his love…by risking life and limb to rescue the damsel in distress.

One fact that is often overlooked in the examinations of fairy tales is that these tales teach men that you can’t be considered truly worthy without being ready to sacrifice yourself for true love. During the mid to late eighties there was a brief men’s movement in which men would head into the forests, get naked, beat on drums and cry about their feelings. Kind of sounds the opposite of manly to me. During this movement a number of books were written examining the “male condition.” One of the central points made in some of these books was that, as men, we are taught to be expendable. Don’t believe me? What is the first rule on a sinking ship? Save the women and children first. So deeply is this ingrained in men that merely drawing attention to it seems somehow wrong. For generations men were almost exclusively the firefighters, police officers, warriors, and explorers…putting our lives at risk without question. What could possibly motivate men to ignore the most basic of all animal instincts, that of self-preservation? The answer is simply that we do it all to catch the eye of a fair maiden. Many of the most important discoveries and inventions were most likely the result of men trying to stand out among their peers as a more suitable mate or, as I like to call it, the Peacock Principal. Of course there will always be exceptions to the rule, the men who just can’t seem to get with the program. Surely the rewards of such a noble existence must be great!

Eh…not so much.

Today men are often portrayed in an unflattering light. In sitcoms men are almost universally portrayed as knuckle-dragging simpletons who constantly have to be rescued from trouble by their significant others. In commercials men are incapable of understanding the nutritional information on the back of a box of cereal without the help of a strong female. In the recent Disney film “Enchanted” it is the hero who is ultimately rescued by the princess. One wonders what the result of these modern messages and examples will be, considering they are in contradiction to the lessons and expectations men have received through fairy tales for generations.

I hope I’ve at least given you a little something to consider the next time you’re venting a little frustration with your significant other. Although it may not always seem like it, it has always been all about you. If nothing else, remember that those same generalizations about men are being applied to your fathers, brothers, and sons. If you think finding a prince is difficult, you should try being one some time!

Let’s start and as we go I’ll tell you why it was such a memorable night…

1. Any man 40 or over who has never been married —unless he’s recently left the priesthood.

Jodi Note: So we are sitting laughing and drinking wine when a man I have dated walks by. He’s very handsome and charming and even better than those two he’s Smart! But- and I fucking kid you not- I wrote that first line about him! W’e're chatting and he’s like “what’s that you’re writing?” I ignored the question at least three times before I read it to him. He wasn’t really amused.

That’s how our little list morphed into this post about the men to avoid. We’ll come back to him later. Let’s continue, shall we?

2. MAMA’s BOYS [stop for moment and imagine me shaking head and walking away]

3. Anger Management drop-outs

4. Morally bankrupt fuck-heads

5. “Boot Call Brian” [Staci note:Do you really want to be "that" woman at 40?]

6. No homeless musicians [no matter how pretty the guitar is]

7. Drummers [they all fall under #6, plus they're crazy too]

8. Men who’s I.Q.’s are lower than their age [complements of Gabriel our waiter]

9. Men who have Lamborghini doors on their car- but drive a Honda

By this time we’ve had a glass of wine- we’re laughing our asses off and we’ve started Tweeting so half the world is listening!

10. Men who travel with an entourage of women who are all “friends” [Sure, and monkeys are going to fly out of my ass]

11. [Do we have to say this?] Married men.

12. Boys on the Rebound – he needs to get over her first [Staci Note: Single for six months, minimum]

13. Control freaks and obsessive wing-nuts

14. Emotional fuck-wits [are you a robot? or a serial killer who hasn't come out of the closet? or are you practicing for the Mind-Game Olympics?]

15. The offensive—body functions, manners, wardrobe and potty humor [no we don't think your chest hair is sexy it's kind of icky really- can you button that?]

So, I look over and the forty year old, who’s never been married, and his dinner companions are gone. He didn’t say goodbye. I hope he wasn’t too offended and I feel kind of bad— so I have another glass of wine.

16. The gender confused [pick a team already!]

17. Liars [Fool me once shame on you- fool me twice FUCK YOU!]

18. Cheaters [if he cheated on her with you, he will cheat on you with the next her, I'm just sayin']

19. Any man older than your father [Ewwwwwww....YUK]

20. Perverts [See:PeeWee Herman (sorry Kelli!)]

21. Drug, gambling, or sex addicts, meth-heads, stoners, hypochondriacs, or manic depressants who won’t take their medication

22. Bad comics [Seriously, have you not noticed that you are the only one laughing?]

23. Whores- Attention, Camera or Man

24. The Mooch who eats your food, uses your car, sleeps in your bed and sucks up resources and then disappears when the bills show up

25. Verbally, mentally and physically abusive assholes [Go Mafia on these guys and call us---we'll help!]

By the end of this list we are howling- we might have been a little loud even and  decided we are the funniest people in the world! It was a great night!

I know you guys are thinking, that guy will never speak to Jodi again, right? Guess what? Four hours later he Facebook’d me and here’s what I  learned…some people never change.