Instead of going through the usual litany of shallow crap like I have in the past, I will be working on a few deeper changes.

In 2010 I will resolve to:

pray first, not as a last resort.

remember that most people are acquaintances not friends.

remember to be true to myself no matter how hard others are on me.

remember that loving someone does not mean: I agree with you automatically, that I’m going to ignore it when you’re wrong, or that I’m not allowed to refuse your requests.

remember to take out the trash* on a regular basis.

Let me know what you’ll be working on this year, the decisions to quit smoking (been there) to the career changes and the diets.  No matter what your New Years Assessment brings to light, share your resolution with your fellow mafiosos, lets all make a resolution to support each other.

*Last year my New Years resolution was to get rid of the shmucks that were destructive,  trouble or were just plain old users. I deleted them from my contact list, address book, email list, and changed my number. This year I will remind myself regularly to keep the trash on the curb, and continue to enjoy the people in my life who make it all worthwhile. I highly recommend doing this- especially for my single readers- if you have developed a contact list lousy with losers.

I cannot tell you how many times Captain Wentworth has dropped the “Darling, the Jones’s have invited us over for a drop of port tonight and I told them you would whip up a dish to bring,” at the last minute of course.

To which I answer, “Oh, how wonderful dear, I’ll make something fabulous in the half an hour I have between arriving home from the day job and leaving for the Jones’s.” [Insert fake smile and batting of eyelashes here]

Sometimes it’s a chore to do party after party if you’re unprepared and you work all day.  My dear friend Tia and I were discussing this subject just the other night over a glass of wine. We figured if you plan ahead in a minimal way you can whip up “fabulous” from the basics in the pantry.

You can save the world, or at least your sanity by always having:

Cream Cheese

Pillsbury Crescent Rolls

Here are a few ideas of what to do with them:

Cream cheese makes a great baked dip layered or mixed (layered is faster) with meat, cheese, salsa, sauce or vegetables.

For example:

Southwest Chicken Dip

One block of Cream cheese is spread on the bottom of a small baking dish, topped with shredded or cubed chicken, a jar of salsa and then cheese. Bake at 375 degrees for twenty minutes. Serve with tortilla chips.

It takes five minutes to throw together and pop in oven, go fix your hair and make-up, change your clothes and you’re out the door in thirty.

Don’t have chicken? Use left over taco meat, turkey, sausage or steamed vegetables. Just make sure everything gets chopped- it needs to be scoopable! You can also use ham and BBQ sauce, turkey and cranberry dressing, crab and cocktail sauce.

Don’t have time to bake? Mix cream cheese with some marshmallow cream and chocolate chips, serve with graham crackers for instant S’mores.

Think of the possibilities if you have a few more minutes and a can of crescent rolls. You can stuff those bad boys with anything and they taste good.  Cocktail weenies are a given, but what if you don’t have them in the fridge? Think of all the great combinations we’ve talked about. Using the same concept, mixing ingredients together, fill triangles and pinch edges closed- then bake while you get ready. This takes a few extra minutes, but they are easier to transport than the hot baking dish, so it’s a toss up. This is great if you ate all of the tortilla chips last time you had a bad day.

Note: After writing this and asking Capt. Wentworth to read it over, I asked him why he likes springing invitations and a commitment to cook on me at the last minute. You know what he said? “I had no idea that stressed you out, plus you always tell me how much you like to cook.”

I can’t decide if he’s really that clueless or that inconsiderate, so I have decided to make him help next time.

I know you guys love these books, but I just can’t take it seriously. Bad writing, weak characters and an overall plot that makes me want to beat someone about the head and neck with a baseball bat. The baseball bat they used to play ball with in the first movie would be excellent. So, here’s a gross giggle for you, try not to be too upset that they are making light of Ed and his minion.

.

Here’s the New York Times review of New Moon titled

‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon’: Juiceless or Juicebomb?

And something to think about  Is Team Edward Enabling Domestic Violence?

Brandy Slush

Ingredients

7 cups water
1 cup sugar
1 12 oz. can frozen lemonade
1 12 oz. can frozen orange juice
2 cups water
4 tea bags
2 cups brandy

Take frozen lemonade and orange juice out to thaw. This makes life much easier later when you have to mix all ingredients together.

Heat 7 cups water with 1 cup sugar over medium heat until sugar is dissolved. Set aside to cool.

Make a strong tea with the other 2 cups of water and tea bags. Let cool.

In a large freezer container, combine sugar/water, tea, lemonade concentrate, orange juice concentrate, and brandy together. Freeze for 24 hours and serve with orange or lemon slice garnish.

You know it’s been a bad week when these are going through your head:

Alone it’s a weapon but with a mitt and ball it’s a baseball bat, so be smart when you premeditate!

Is is considered going postal if you don’t work at the post office or is there another term?

The three martini lunch is making a comeback…pass it on!

What the hell was I thinking, fuck this career thing, I want to be a housewife!

Am I the only one here breathing oxygen? Wait, I’m the only female, so YES I am.

Standing up in a meeting and saying ” You, sir are a Fucktard!” in my best southern accent is a good idea, but should I do that before or after lunch?

What are you thinking when it’s a bitch to walk into the office? Please feel free to share your comments below, we need the giggles!

The thing I want you, my younger friends, to think about is a man’s character. That is what we should be checking out.

Who is the person you are dating

is he a good man?
is he real?
truthful?
kind?
considerate?
smart?
funny?
WELL READ?(okay, that’s one of my priorities and therefore optional)

So here is what I think the problem is… you are choosing  men based on looks. There I said it, now quit being shallow! And please stop  thinking that pretty on the outside means pretty on the inside. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.

How about we try something new. Let watch what a prospective says and does and decide if you want to be with him based on that.  After all is said and done you will not want to end up with a man of low character—I know this from personal experience (having been married to a man we nicknamed satan for 15 years).

So when you see those warning signs along the road—

spends more getting ready in the AM then you do.

thinks CSI Miami is high art.

thinks priorities are about choosing which game to watch.

thinks morals are mushrooms.

—listen to your heart and run fucking screaming for the hills!

Stop telling me you are only going to date this or that. I can guaran-damn-tee you will not find Prince Charming with those priorities.

Alright now Grasshopper put on some hot FMP’s and go to the library, and remember that I love you!

We had one of these nights last week at our  local Japanese Steakhouse (one of our favorite dinner as theater gigs). Everything’s business as usual, hour or wine and conversation in the bar and then we wander over to the table for dinner, another glass of wine and a little sushi to start.

And then he showed up—on the surface he looked just like the other chefs in the house—but when he opened his mouth…WoooWoo! No, seriously this guy shows up and does the WooWoo thing all the way to the table followed by “Ayyy Mommie, you want meat RARE?” and  “Ooohhhh Mommie you want a taste, open you mouth wide Mommieeee” followed by shots of Sake being squirted from a squeeze bottle into the open mouths of our table companions.

Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot?!?!?!

Now, I’m all for social drinking and meeting new people, but looking like the baby bird to this guys alcoholic momma bird is a bit much, even for me. As this guy works his was around the table both D and I are trying to figure out how to avoid being included. You know that pressure you feel when you know something embarrassing is coming and you can’t escape it? We look at each other over our glasses of Copola Claret and know there is no hope for escape.

Everyone like a shot Mommieeeee!

So, here he comes around that famous U-shaped table toward us…and we are goaded into the shot by the other members of our party and our new friend the Chef with a “WooWoo” and an “open wide Mommie, you know you like to…”

WoooWoooo!

Imagine if you would a little Asian guy learning English from the Latin MTV channel. Now add to that Sake, fire,  knives and you have our night.

Ayyy Mommie you know you want it, open wide!

This proceeds through dinner and escalates as our dinner companions wind our chef up even more. At one point there was so much food being thrown around I was bobbing and weaving like a prize fighter. I personally caught a piece of zucchini in my cleavage and I thought it couldn’t get a any more interesting than that. I was wrong. This guy is so into shooting his hot sake into everyone mouths that he wont leave until we all have another one…except our timid and wonderful D…who he shot three times before parting.

Yeaaaa Mommie you like take one for road!

By the time we left our clothes were stained with soy and damp from the dribbles of sake down our chins and we smelled like Japanese whores.

Hell yea!  We’ll be going back, but next time we’re taking a table full of people…WoooWooo!

The first thing you will notice when you walk into this hot spot is the decor. Trendy, sleek and beautiful with hand blown glass light fixtures and a breezy curtain wall that separates the entrance from the dinning room. There’s a giant high-top table that can seat eighteen and a sexy bar that makes you want to have a drink. All together the place makes you feel like you’re doing the trendy downtown thing the minute you walk in the door.

Next thing you will find is a excellent wine list. Plenty of tasty wines by the glass and a list of bottles the likes of which you won’t normally find in a restaurant. There’s a long list of imported beers to go with the domestics and a couple of fruit beers so you can order up a black and red made of Lindeman’s Framboise and Guinness. The bartenders are knowledgeable and fun to hang out with and this is the bar of choice for an eclectic group of young townies, businessmen and couples.

Crave has an eclectic menu that at times can be a little daunting for the uninitiated. Here’s what I’ve figured out: read six words in to any of the lengthy descriptions and you’ll figure our what they are trying to serve you. Aside from the wordy descriptions, I have yet to find anything on this menu that disappoints. The chef brings out the best in all of the ingredients, using both the  ordinary and exotic to create something bursting with personality. The perfect example of this is the steak skewers marinated in beer and served with a smoked Gouda cheese dipping sauce. They serve up a mean Duck Confit salad with figs, goat cheese, baby spinach and candied almond brittle or a low-carb steak wrap with peppered bacon and Worcestershire aioli. One of the richest dishes on the menu is my favorite, the pan seared sea scallops with macadamia nuts over lobster ravioli is a dish you will adore for its layers of flavors and the surprise you get as they blend together in each new bite. As for the entrees, you can get lost in all of the choices but a sure thing is the Smoked Gouda Mac-n-Cheese with blackened chicken, it’s he dish that everyone raves about.

This is all basic comfort food taken to a new level. You don’t have to be a foodie to enjoy Crave, but you do need to have an open mind, my recommendation- let the chef do his thing and enjoy.

This is a great place for an night out, or a business lunch, but I don’t think you can have a romantic dinner here easily. Crave is a noisy place day or night, with lighting that lends to a more energetic atmosphere than a couple looking to canoodle would find conducive. On the other hand if you are tying to impress, this is the place to take the date!

Crave is open Monday-Friday for lunch and Monday- Saturday for dinner and if located at 57 E. Market St. They are closed on Sundays. Reservations are accepted, along with most major credit cards. Private room available.

For more info: Visit their web site for a look at the menu, hours, reservations  EatDrinkCrave

Me: What’s up?

WK: at park- going to run

Me: I don’t run unless someone is chasing me

WK:  that’s colorful even 4 u

Me: I’m a deep well

WK: It that’s the motivation you need I’m more than willing to chase you through woods

Me: Always willing to take one 4 team

WK: Do I get I catch you?

Me: Someday but not today

WK: patience is a virtue

If I’m looking svelte and smiley all of the sudden…you know I’ve been jogging. And yes, I do play with names to protect guilty.

But all is not wine and roses on the manly side of the fence dear readers. Sit back and relax as I regale you with an examination of the lesser heard side of these tales…The Princes’ Tale.

How many fairy tales can you name in which the prince is the central character of the tale? When this question was posed to the charming Ms Brooks (no relation to the prince of the same name, but certainly charming none the less) she immediately named “The Frog Prince.” While this tale may feature the prince in the title, the prince gets what amounts to roughly equal billing with the little girl in the story. Upon reviewing the tale, we have the story of a little girl who makes a bargain with a frog to get his help retrieving a lost ball. Upon the completion of his task, the little girl welshes on the deal, ditching the poor little frog. The frog tracks the little girl down, apparently violating several anti-stalking laws in the process, and forces the girl to honor her promise with the help of her parents. Ultimately the little girl becomes so disgusted with the frog that she grabs him and “hurls him with all her might” against the wall, whereupon the now possibly brain-damaged little frog becomes a prince and she invites him into her bed. This fairy tale has enough disturbing messages to go around for both guys and gals.

The purpose of my posing this question was to point out the fact that the prince is often little more than a plot device to move the story of the princess along. There is, however, one fact that is almost certain in every tale featuring a prince. The prince is almost always seeking his true love, or his princess. How about that! It seems that for all these generations we men have been being taught the very same lessons as our fairer counterparts! As the fair maiden is seemingly made complete by finding her prince, so too has the prince finally completed his quest by finding his fair maiden. More important is the way in which the prince is called upon to prove his love…by risking life and limb to rescue the damsel in distress.

One fact that is often overlooked in the examinations of fairy tales is that these tales teach men that you can’t be considered truly worthy without being ready to sacrifice yourself for true love. During the mid to late eighties there was a brief men’s movement in which men would head into the forests, get naked, beat on drums and cry about their feelings. Kind of sounds the opposite of manly to me. During this movement a number of books were written examining the “male condition.” One of the central points made in some of these books was that, as men, we are taught to be expendable. Don’t believe me? What is the first rule on a sinking ship? Save the women and children first. So deeply is this ingrained in men that merely drawing attention to it seems somehow wrong. For generations men were almost exclusively the firefighters, police officers, warriors, and explorers…putting our lives at risk without question. What could possibly motivate men to ignore the most basic of all animal instincts, that of self-preservation? The answer is simply that we do it all to catch the eye of a fair maiden. Many of the most important discoveries and inventions were most likely the result of men trying to stand out among their peers as a more suitable mate or, as I like to call it, the Peacock Principal. Of course there will always be exceptions to the rule, the men who just can’t seem to get with the program. Surely the rewards of such a noble existence must be great!

Eh…not so much.

Today men are often portrayed in an unflattering light. In sitcoms men are almost universally portrayed as knuckle-dragging simpletons who constantly have to be rescued from trouble by their significant others. In commercials men are incapable of understanding the nutritional information on the back of a box of cereal without the help of a strong female. In the recent Disney film “Enchanted” it is the hero who is ultimately rescued by the princess. One wonders what the result of these modern messages and examples will be, considering they are in contradiction to the lessons and expectations men have received through fairy tales for generations.

I hope I’ve at least given you a little something to consider the next time you’re venting a little frustration with your significant other. Although it may not always seem like it, it has always been all about you. If nothing else, remember that those same generalizations about men are being applied to your fathers, brothers, and sons. If you think finding a prince is difficult, you should try being one some time!